Ditching Caregiver Guilt & Protecting Your Nervous System

Introduction to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

SPEAKER_00 1:32

We're operating inside a system that counts on our self-sacrifice to fill the void left by broken policy. But co-regulation cannot happen if you're running on empty. You can't regulate a dysregulated child when your own nervous system is operating on emergency fuel. And your emotional survival is not a secondary line item. It is the core infrastructure. Today's guest, Felicia Brown, didn't study trauma in an ivory tower. She lived it on the front lines. After 15 years inside the public education system, watching our children's mental health fracture, she stepped into the ultimate pressure cooker, adopting three children, navigating complex PTSD while earning her second master's degree. Today, as a licensed professional counselor, emotional regulation expert, and doctoral candidate, Felicia bridges the gap between clinical science and raw everyday survival. As the 2.7 million project shifts from kitchen table survival into boardroom advocacy, we must recognize a fundamental truth. You cannot lead a rescue mission if your nervous system is trapped in the wreckage. Felicia is here to give our silent army the tactical blueprints to turn fight or flight energy into unshakable policy shifting strategy. Welcome to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, Nurturing Through Adversity. In this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of grandparents raising grandchildren. As we navigate the complexities of legal, financial, and emotional support, I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings, and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care. We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles. This podcast was made especially for you. Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored. Unfortunately, I will never forget the first 18 months after taking in my grandchildren. I fell completely apart within months, getting passed on from one system to another without getting questions answered, feeling the heavy isolation, and asking myself if I was failing because my sheer willpower wasn't enough to fix the damage. I was burning out just to keep these children out of a broken foster care system. What I didn't realize then, and what our guest today articulates so brilliantly, is that system failure is not a personal failure. We're conditioned to believe that if we just push harder, we can solve every gap. Today licensed professional counselor and emotion regulation expert Felicia Brown joins us to break down how to stop burning our own houses down to keep the system warm, how to honor our true capacity, and how to reclaim our peace. Welcome, Felicia. It's so nice to have you.

SPEAKER_01 5:19

Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.

SPEAKER_00 5:21

Me too. I have some great questions to ask you, especially because you spent 15 years in the public education system and you saw all the stress and all the issues from the inside. And then you brought these three children with complex PTSD into your home. So you know what it feels like when survival demands 100% of your adrenaline. And as you probably know, there are millions of grandparents and king givers that are running on that same exact emergency fuel, overperforming, oversacrificing, and burning out just to keep these children out of the foster care system. Yeah. How do we encourage these caregivers so that they can be a voice for change without collapsing under the weight

Dealing with burnout and advocacy

SPEAKER_00 6:12

of it all?

SPEAKER_01 6:13

I think when you're in this system, it feels extremely overwhelming. And you think, what can I do as one person? And it feels very hopeless. And that I think adds to the rate of burnout. And so what I like to say is you are one person, but what you do matters. And if you are one person and we have this audience, right? And they're all one person and they're doing what they can to bring awareness, to advocate, to work on changing the system from the inside out, all of those actions matter. And I would also like to say there are some days where you don't have the energy to do that. And that's okay. You have to honor your capacity so that you can be the best caregiver for the kiddos that you have. And everything else falls in line after that. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 7:06

Yes. Well said. It's very easy to fall into that good caregiver trap where we're constantly criticizing ourselves. I want everybody to know that that was me. I fell apart the first year, first year and a half, and then said, Oh my gosh, if I'm struggling with this, this much out there, there must be others that feel the same way I do. Honestly, that's how the podcast was started. I had so much to learn about taking care of these children that I didn't want my pain to go to waste. Yeah. First of all, this systematic reality that child welfare and school systems oftentimes exploit our willingness to burn out. Absolutely. They count on our self-sacrifices to fill the gaps that are created by missing policy and the financial resources.

SPEAKER_01 7:56

And if you advocate for yourself, a lot of times they use guilt and shame to try and manipulate you to doing it anyway.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

Yes. I'm hoping that awareness helps us express our needs to our lawmakers. But then there's also that feeling like if I just push harder, then I can fix this broken system for my kids. We have to recognize that system failure doesn't mean that it's a personal failure. So we do the best we can with what we have. But yes, those small changes do make a difference. Overachievement and overproductivity is something that you can help us manage here at home.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

Yeah. One of the things, and you kind of mentioned it earlier, you said people that are grandparents raising their kids or kinship caregivers are constantly analyzing themselves. Am I doing enough? Is this good enough? Why isn't this working? Why are we experiencing these behaviors, et cetera? And so often, people that have previously raised their own children and maybe didn't see these behaviors or actions think, oh my goodness, something is wrong with me and my parenting or my style. And that's why these kiddos are acting that way. And I think for that, you really have to understand the impact of trauma on the brain and on the nervous system and how it changes the lens for which the kids see the world. And also how that secondary trauma is impacting your nervous system and your brain. And for many people, they are fixers, they're helpers, right? That's why they took these kiddos in.

Continuously advocating for child services

SPEAKER_01 9:38

And their mind goes to if I just work harder, if I just do more, if I just figure out these missing pieces, if I just advocate harder, then it will be fixed. The problem with that is even when you are successful in doing those things, the line moves, right? So we're not getting to a point like, okay, I advocated and I got this service for my kid. Because we know that there are probably six, seven, eight more services that that child needs and could benefit from. And so it's not even a matter of, okay, we got OT. And you kind of allow yourself to feel good about that and celebrate it. It's more of like finally, because it was so frustrating and so hard to get there. And you know, you need to continue advocating. So, how do we kind of counteract that? One, I think it's very important to recognize that we have to celebrate in whatever way feels good to us the small wins, the small accomplishments, because it is so easy to get lost in all of the things left to do. Yes. But our brains and our bodies need the encouragement of celebrating a success. How do we do that? So, one of the things I like to tell people is to kind of set a metric for success before you do something, right? Like what's gonna be good enough today? So in the morning, as you're, you know, getting ready, or maybe the kids are off to school, what's gonna be a successful day today? Some days, if you're honest with yourself, it's going to be surviving because that's where your capacity is at. Other days you might be like, a successful day today is calling this worker and having a conversation about that. And if I can get a hold of that worker and if I can start that conversation, that's successful. And then celebrating in simple ways. Doesn't have to be big extravagant things, but even just like, okay, I did that. I'm gonna give myself time to watch my favorite show, listen to my favorite podcast, enjoy a hobby, whether that is, you know, crafting or sewing or gardening, setting up little boosts of dopamine throughout your day to help give yourself encouragement and motivation, but also by engaging in those things that you enjoy, you're helping your nervous system regulate and feel safe. And you there's a physical aspect to it. Yes. And you can't regulate dysregulated children if you are also dysregulated. And so your care and your regulation isn't a secondary piece, it's the primary piece. Yes. And so we often say with trauma that co-regulation is one of the key pieces for kids to start to feel safe. But yet it's so easy as adults to be dysregulated when dealing with the system and dealing with kiddos' behaviors. Yes. And we're actually creating this really negative cycle, even though we're trying our best to help. So by building in metrics for success and then engaging in things that help you feel connected to yourself and give you joy, you're actually increasing your ability to regulate the kiddos in your care.

SPEAKER_00 12:55

I love that. I'm an overachiever myself. So is it good for me to just set one goal per day or three goals per day?

SPEAKER_01 13:02

Good enough is good enough. And so on a day where you can be honest about your capacity, one goal a day is great. If you are like, you know what? I feel like I am really in the mood to advocate today, whether that's coming from a place of anger or something recently that happened, or maybe you just talked with people and you're really passionate, set those three goals. Not every day needs to or should look the same for it to be successful. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 13:29

I could really see myself after I've had my coffee in the morning, before the kids get up, having a little noteboard on the refrigerator or something, and just setting those things and just going, okay, that's enough for today. And maybe it changes. Maybe you get some bad news and you need to erase two off of there. I don't even want to see them this afternoon, right?

SPEAKER_01 13:51

And that doesn't mean that you've failed the day or that the day isn't successful. I would say it's quite the opposite. That means that you have listened to your body and your brain when it is saying, I don't have the capacity to push through that. That's honoring your nervous system, which actually increases your feelings of safety and helps later on when you're in a dysregulated system, because you have more regulation to pull from based on the actions you've already taken. I like that.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

These are like tactical weapons we can use. I love it. Before I get into the questions that I ask all of my interviewees, where can our listeners access your therapeutic programs and resources?

SPEAKER_01 14:34

Felicia Brown.org, F-E-L-I-C-I-A, and then brown like the color. And if you are on social media and you like tidbits of information, my handle on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook is Felicia Brown L P C. So you can find me at all of those places. And I do have free resources available and then different programs as well.

Critiquing success metrics in child care

SPEAKER_00 14:55

Good. I'll look those up and make sure I share those in the show notes with the listeners. Well, the systematic question that I have for you is we're calling out the system's outdated motherboard, a framework that measures success by how fast a case file is closed rather than whether a child is thriving or a grandfamily is economically secure. So, drawing from your 15 years of experience in education and your clinical work with complex PTSD, how does this speed over substance metric physically degrade a child's nervous system and a caregiver's health? Like what exact metric must our movement demand lawmakers use instead?

SPEAKER_01 17:33

For this one, I would say, what is best for the child? Mind, body, spirit, emotions, all of it. Because you're right, it's let's close this case. And so much is focused on parent rights and not child rights. I would honestly, what do children deserve? That should be an included metric. All kids deserve to live in an environment that is safe. And then what does safety look like? All kids deserve to have access to healthy foods. And what does that look like? Because if you look at the minimum parenting standards, it's pretty sad. And so kind of increasing what we think the bare minimum for all children should be, and that should be that metric. And then what is best for the kids? Because it's not always returning home. And the workers don't want to hear that because that is the main goal. And the lawyers don't want to fight for it, and the judges are afraid of appeals. And it really creates this negative cycle where kids are forced to go back into situations that traumatize them. So really defining what do all kiddos deserve and are entitled to, and how do we make sure that we are not re-traumatizing kids by forcing things to happen because that's the policy or the law, if it's not best for that child.

SPEAKER_00 19:02

Yes. Well said. Thank you. I know that you see and talk to a lot of families. You've dealt with a lot of families in the school systems. I know that a lot of us are dealing with silent taboos. And in my community, I know that there are so many things that we're ashamed to talk about, so many things that we're uh afraid to share with others that don't understand. We're exhausted oftentimes by the trauma and by the behavior. And as I mentioned before, sometimes we can't fix it all. So, from your dual perspective as a therapist and an adoptive mom of three kid kids with complex PTSD, what do you think is the most shameful truth that caregivers are terrified to say out loud? And why is it so important that we do talk about this so that we have some political power for change in these areas that our society doesn't want to speak about?

SPEAKER_01 20:04

I think the most shameful or painful in a lot of ways is when a caregiver

Caregiver guilt and societal pressure

SPEAKER_01 20:10

is feeling that they don't like the children they're caring for. And the reason I say that is because oftentimes you're hit with so much of this morality of, oh, you're such a good person for taking in these kids, or I could love any child, or I could take care of any child, or you are so great for doing this. And it kind of reinforces the idea that you, when you're frustrated or wish you would have made a different choice, or in that moment don't like your kids, it reinforces the fact that you are a bad person. From a clinical standpoint, when somebody says that to me, I say, wow, you're really under a lot of stress. And their behaviors are really hard to deal with. And you are at a point where you don't know what to do. And that's so frustrating that you're now like completely shutting down. And the reason I think we need to talk about some of those things is because underneath that, it's dealing with the behaviors which come from the abuse, which come from, especially if you have a child with special needs, right? It's coming from navigating the school system, oftentimes fighting the school system because they don't understand trauma and they don't understand your kids or they're not following the IEP, right? And it feels like you are fighting a losing battle on multiple fronts. And it sounds almost ridiculous, but sometimes people don't like the kids. And it's like I always say people love the children that they are taking care of, but that is different than liking them in those moments. And the more we kind of hide that, the greater the increase of burnout because we truly feel like there's something wrong with us. And since we're fixers, we want to fix it, but we don't know how to fix it. And it kind of perpetuates that cycle.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Yes, I agree. Do you ever tell a client that maybe they shouldn't be taking on these children? That maybe it's not the right choice.

SPEAKER_01 22:05

Absolutely. And that sounds bad, right? Because like, oh, you've adopted kids and you've been in the we did foster care

Challenges in Foster Care and Adoption

SPEAKER_01 22:12

for seven years before we adopted our kiddos. So like we've been in it, right? And there will be times where I will say, as much as you want to take these kids in, as much as you want to do these things, that isn't realistic because of, and a lot of times it's chronic health problems. It's a financial situation, it's a living situation. Like, especially with grandparents, sometimes they have already kind of downsized houses. And so that's really hard to hear. And it's very individualized, right? I have to know the person and the situation and all of those things. And so oftentimes what I will do then is tell people that doesn't mean that you can't be involved at all. Just because taking on the full-time aspect of care isn't what's right, doesn't mean you can't be involved. So does that look like supporting the family that they're with by taking them for a couple afternoons a week? Does that look like being involved with that family? Obviously, you have to come to that agreement. But most foster families, if they know that there are solid relatives out there, are open to the health. And so, you know, can you volunteer to be a respite like placement for them? Meaning they can come spend the night or the weekend at your house, and then their foster parents can have a little bit of that break. So just because you can't take on full-time care doesn't mean you're a bad person, doesn't mean you're a bad family member, and it doesn't mean that you can't be involved at all. Your involvement is just going to look different than what somebody who is a full-time caregiver looks like.

SPEAKER_00 23:52

I I totally agree. I think that it's very important to reach out to family or friends to get that kind of help when you need a break. Or maybe there's just a young couple that you know and they would just love to take the kids for a weekend to the park or the movies or something. I mean, sometimes that's all we need.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

Yes. I love that. I always say there is no such thing as too many people caring about and loving kids.

SPEAKER_00 24:21

Agreed. One of the reasons that my husband and I relocated to Louisiana from where we were over 2,000 miles away was because my husband has a large family, and these children were very isolated before we got them. The difference that they feel from connecting with cousins and aunts and uncles from all over the country, it's like they belong to a bigger world.

SPEAKER_01 24:47

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

They realize that there's so many different kinds of people and so many different kinds of people that love them. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 24:53

And it is that sense of identity. These are my people. These are the people I came from. These people want to be involved and know about me. And, you know, and like with cousins, they want to play with me and hang out. And that really helps solidify this sense of I belong here. And these are my people.

SPEAKER_00 25:14

For us, I'm just going to give a little personal story. We realize that as we get older and are less able to care for the children, that they have family, that they're part of a network that they can rely on when we get Too old to be able to provide them with what they need. And I think that that's important to remember for grandparents specifically raising grandchildren because of our age.

SPEAKER_01 25:35

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 25:36

It's not always possible. I didn't know how we would do this. It was very difficult. I never thought I'd ever leave where we were before. It was my dream to live in Montana. And I was able to do that for 47 years. But this was important, I think, to the children, and we were able to make the change. This bigger family and sense of belonging is very important to them. The last question I have for you is a policy question. If you were appointed COO of the American Family Support System tomorrow with total executive authority, what single structural policy would you enact on day one to guarantee trauma-informed emotional safety, financial equity, and Medicaid access for non-parental caregivers?

SPEAKER_01 26:22

This would be a big policy that would need to happen. It's probably very expensive. But if you're giving me total control, this is what I would do. If you In a perfect world. In a perfect world, that's right. If you are not that child's biological parents and you're taking this

Advocacy and trauma support

SPEAKER_01 26:39

over, right, that you would have one contact person that is meant to be your advocate, that then gets you signed up for all of the things, navigates all of the different systems, and that you have access weekly to a therapist, a clinician that understands trauma and works on educating you about trauma and how trauma impacts not only your kids, but you as well, and is there as your support person, while also then having a different clinician work with kiddos. And that that is set up within the first 30 days that they are in a home.

SPEAKER_00 27:25

I think that's one of the most important issues that I've heard from caregivers that are raising kin or even non-kin. Number one, there isn't the support for them. We're passed along to all these different people that don't know our cases. I think that that's very important. It does demand that we give priority to family. We give priority to people's well-being. I think that's a very great ask. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 27:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:51

Do you have any other questions you have or anything you want to share with the listeners?

SPEAKER_01 27:55

I would like to leave them with this thought. And that is that today, if all you can do is get through the day and keep the kiddos in your care safe, then you have done enough. And that not every day is going to be perfect. And in fact, you're going to have more rough days than easy days. And it doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong. It means that you are doing the most sacred work of protecting children. And there is nothing more important than that.

SPEAKER_00 28:26

Great way to end this episode. So important. I wish I could replay that every day just for myself. I know a lot of people feel the same. Thanks, Felicia. It's been a pleasure having you on the show. Thank you for having me. I've enjoyed our conversation. I want you to take a quiet breath right now and run a quick audit on your own balance sheet. Are you measuring

Defining personal success metrics

SPEAKER_00 28:47

your day by an impossible standard of perfection? Or are you defining what good enough looks like before your feet even hit the floor? Tomorrow morning before the house wakes up, set a single metric for success that honors your actual capacity today. If that metric is simply keeping everyone safe and breathing, give yourself permission to celebrate that win. Take your small dose of joy and protect your nervous system. I hope you'll join us next week as we sit down with Dr. Christy Smith, author, organizational leadership expert, and grandmother raising two grandchildren. We'll be discussing how to apply high-level project management and executive leadership directly to your household operations. So you can shift from reactive firefighting to proactive control. The mission continues. We are 2.7 million strong, still nurturing and still here. Protecting your emotional capacity isn't selfish. It's the fundamental foundation of your home sanctuary. Keep nurturing, keep leading, and I'll see you in the next boardroom.